There are so many ways to define a person and making judgments are easy when you’re considering someone else, but what about when you’re making judgments about yourself? Who are you? What are you about? What characteristics do you associate with yourself? I feel like people get so caught up in these things that they forget to consider to like anything outside of what they have imagined themselves to be.
But what happens when one day you want to step outside of your defined box? Do you feel like you’re being untrue to yourself? That you have never associated yourself with these things before and now that you want to associate yourself with them does that mean you are a different person? Or maybe your tastes have just changed? Do you have to redefine yourself now?
I am as I’m sure many others are, a victim of self- definition. I try to put myself in a box of things that define all things about me, which is (especially for me) nearly impossible.
I dabble in all sorts of different things and I feel like an asshole for not being fully true to any one of them, but why? What’s wrong with not being sure who you are or where you fit in? We are so complex how can we even be expected to do that? People say that your teenage years are the time when you should find yourself, figuring out who you are and what you’re about. But that’s what life is for. You can’t expect me to figure all of that out in 20 years, especially since I’ve only been self-aware for 6 of them, which is being very generous and have only been aware of my actual interests for 2 years. Up until about age 18, I was a completely different person than I am today.
I’m kind of going off subject here but I can tell what I do and do not like in a split second by looking at it and I feel very strongly about things I do not want to be associated with. And if anyone says something about how I am associated with those things I don’t define myself with, I get annoyed. I feel like I’ve spent all this time working up who I am and who I am not yet it takes other people longer to decipher what I am about. For example, the easiest one, rainbow. It annoys me when people give me brightly colored things or rainbow things when they get me a present or something. It’s not about rainbow colors. There is so much more involved. There is an aesthetic design element that is pleasing to me, which everyone else apparently cannot see.
Back on subject,
Seeing other people around me I feel like I have to define myself to fit in because then I can show who I am which would in turn let others define me in regards to how I see myself. But that’s not how it’s supposed to work. Does everyone feel like they fit into some sort of category? There are thousands of different things I want to be, different kinds of people I want to be, different interests I want to have, but it’s always impossible to be any single one of them, I always have to be a little bit of all of them. It is worth it to change? Is it even possible? Maybe that’s just me, maybe my definition is a combination of a bunch of things, or maybe I’m just indefinable. But what’s wrong with that? I’d rather go through life thinking that I like what I like and I do what I do and just being happy in knowing that my moods and feelings will change and will agree with different people at different times than going through life always trying to place myself in some sort of imaginary box society has made for me to put myself in.
But most of the time I still feel like I'm walking around in an odd fitted mental suit.